Tired and Annoyed

I'm tired and annoyed for many reasons and sometimes I wish it was in my nature to be a total bitch.  My inability to have total disregard for others is costing me sleep and that's annoying as hell.  More tomorrow, I'm going to bed now.

Would You Believe?

Would you believe the reason I didn't post yesterday was because at least 100 pigs were blocking my street and I couldn't get to my computer?  Not to mention, I was in line at the DMV for half the day and on top of that detained by the police for questioning in a major crime the other half?  No?  Smart human.  The truth is I was busy working and I forgot.  I sent out more resumes, cleaned house, helped the kids at school and even managed to eat right the entire day.  Hmm... I did have a minor setback personally and was distracted by the mess for an hour or two.  Now that I've admitted that I guess I don't really have an excuse.  I could've posted then.  I'll get better.

Today, I continued the job search and researched what was needed to enroll my kids in school.  I have decided it's OK for me to be a little nervous.  My whole life is about to change and I really don't know how.  I am excited though and know for certain that I'm in good Hands.  Pray that I get a job soon so I can start knocking off some of the more costly stuff on my list.  Chat with you tomorrow.

Forgotten Password

It's been so long since I've posted, I actually forgot my password.  Really!?!  I think it's about time to call a spade a spade.  I may need to change my name to A Life Less Trifling!  In the past three weeks since I've posted, lots has happened.  First, Happy Belated Thanksgiving!  Second, darn Thanksgiving!  I have gained back all 8 lbs I lost so I'm back to square one.  My weigh day has changed from Thursday to Saturday and my projected goal day is now sometime in October next year.  Oh joy!

I have decided to look for a job in my hometown and move in with my mom for six to nine months.  More joy!  The good news is I'm becoming less and less afraid of everything.  I would've never thought about moving away three months ago but here I am.  I was really excited two weeks ago when I came up with the idea but then I realized that I would be staying with my mama.  Now, as mother's go, she's great.  But, she's still a mom and I'm grown.  I'm really not looking forward to her telling me her version of right everyday.  I did that already and then I went to college, graduated, started a family and... well to think of it. It hasn't ever really stopped but at least from here I don't have to answer the phone.  I figure you can do anything for six months.   Right?  It's not like it's jail time or anything like that.  Right?

Finally, I've gotten some insight on a couple of things.  Shame on me for not using the talents God has given me.  I talked to a friend today who is inundated with fear to leave his comfort zone which by the way is not all that comfortable.  In fact, it sucks.  However, it's what he knows and even though a better opportunity exists somewhere else, he refuses to take it.  He's afraid of the unknown.  Now,  I've gotten past the fear, and have known for some time that the sky is the limit for me.  Still, I'm no different from him really.  In some ways, I'm worse.  So, back on the wagon I get.  I will post here everyday from now on even if it's just to say hi or give the virtual finger to the man who took my parking space.  Jerk!  Until tomorrow...

We'll See

I now have dates and destinations for two of my extended family trips. I think. Only two siblings to include myself have actually signed on for each but I'm optimistic. I guess. It really is a good idea to get the family together so we can create lasting memories. Everyone will have a great time. I hope. We'll see.

I'm still on track with my one pound a week weight loss. I think. Still haven't quite gotten the hang of Beyonce's Single Ladies Video but I will. I guess. Today I signed up to do a 5K Walk/Run for Breast Cancer Awareness next October. I'll be able to run the whole 3.1 miles by then. I hope. We'll see.

I'm still pretty excited about my list. I think. It's harder than I thought it would be but I'll get through it. I guess. I keep telling myself that even though the planning process is not all that exciting, it'll get better as I start to cross things off.  All ending in a kick ass 40^th birthday party for the ages. I hope. We'll see.

Blown

1. adj. Informal really mad or upset about something.

That's me times three. Reason One: I did the laundry today. It's a thankless job which could explain why it only gets done every three to four weeks. Yes, I know it's silly. It makes life harder on me and the point I'm trying to get across is completely lost on its subjects. You can count (even if just for today) clean clothes as the second most thing that people take for granted. Number one? The person who cleans them. Imagine that feeling when you get out of a long, relaxing shower and step into a warm, cozy bathroom. Nice, huh? Now imagine walking to your chester drawer and realizing that you are all out of underwear. Not so nice. In fact, in this household, you would think the world is ending. That feeling must be equivalent to the pain of childbirth though in that my family seems to forget it every time they are confronted with bags of clean clothes. “We have to put all those clothes away?” Mind blown (2. v. Informal to overwhelm with intense astonishment or dismay).

Reason Two: I got pushed around today by a giant. There was little I could do except write a long dissertation describing why the action taken against me shouldn't have been. I have little hope that the decision will be overturned but that's not the worst part. Don't get me wrong. I was blown (3. adj. Informal upset) but it was drastically intensified by Reason Three: There was no one to console me.

You get used to certain things when you're in a bad marriage - the passing of one another like strangers, diminished communication, and doing things by yourself to name a few. However, when something upsets you, big or small, you never stop looking for that shoulder or reassuring voice. At that moment, you remember you're married. Then, in the very next moment you realize that it doesn't matter. Blown (4. adj. Informal unexpected bad feeling you get when things don't go as planned).

Ask and You Shall Receive

It seems that this blog is working. I met a doer today who I've known for over 30 years. I called to ask him a few questions and he immediately started working... for me. Surprising as I haven't exactly talked to him much or at all in the past 30 years. It didn't matter though. I asked. He could help so he did. It was almost too easy. I'm not the most trusting person in the world so I was taken aback. But then, I was inspired. I worked on my script all day, well, when I wasn't napping. I got a whole six hours of sleep today, a lifetime by my clock. I also got a taste of what it feels like to not put off till tomorrow. You know what? It's pretty good. I think I'll have some more.

Weigh Day

I weigh myself everyday to make sure I'm on track for the week but Thursday is the day that counts. It's my official “Weigh Day”. Yesterday I was down 1.8 lbs. A good start. Then I went grocery shopping at three different stores and birthday party scouting at four others. It was 1:30 p.m. before I realized that I had not even eaten breakfast. Still, I was somehow surprised when my phone rang at 1:50 reminding me that I needed to go pick up the kids. So I did.

Now when the kids get home, it's all about them. The Girl makes sure she tells you every part of her day from the moment you dropped her off until she gets back in the car. A self-motivator, she finishes her homework immediately. The Boy, on the other hand, only tells me about his day in depth to delay doing his homework. Then he wants to eat, go to the bathroom, relax, eat some more and go to the bathroom again before I calmly say, “DO YOUR HOMEWORK NOW!” He requires babysitting the entire time as he is only motivated to do the things that are fun or necessary to sustain life.

There are a series of things that happened before I went to sleep at 11 p.m but they are a blur right now. Mostly because I got up at midnight and was up until 4:45 a.m. My alarm, pesky self, doing its job, went off at 6:00 a.m. Thus starting a series of interruptions throughout the day that resulted in me getting a mere four hours of sleep as of this posting. Needless to say, I'm tired. I accomplished nothing today on my 40 B4 40 list and only half the things on my daily to do list. Weigh Day was a full day that hasn't really ended. But I did lose 1.8 lbs this week, so there's that.

The Trip Before the Trip

I've never really understood why people seek the services of travel agents. How hard can planning a trip really be? There's an endless amount of free help online offering ridiculous specials. The travel sites have you up and going after answering five of the easiest questions. Where do you want to go? From where are you leaving? When do you want to go? How long do you want to stay? How do you want to get there? Simple, right? Not so much.

I have at least eight trips to plan in the next two years and wasn't too intimidated by the task. I figured it would take a week or so of planning but not much more. The kids' vacation schedules during the school year take the guessing out of when and how long. Once I had answered the question of where that would by default determine or at least narrow down the mode of transportation. Right? Not necessarily.

Three of the trips I have to plan include the extended families. No biggie. Most places offer even deeper discounts and perks for parties as small as eight. So, the more the merrier. Right? Not at all.  For the past three weeks I've gotten: I don't like to fly. I'm not really a beach person. The mountains? Who wants to drive there? I don't know about a cruise. Why do we have to be gone so long? How much? ENOUGH! I'm going to take a trip to crazy long before I take any to paradise.  

I wish I could tell you that I got one of these trips on the calendar today but I can't. I did however, get the dates of one narrowed down to Thanksgiving or Christmas of next year... providing the other four families agree. Pray for me.

Dancing to the Rhythm of Me

Jose Bergamin said, “There are those who dance to the rhythm that is played to them, those who only dance to their own rhythm, and those who don't dance at all.” Which are you? Me? Well, it depends on what you're talking about. If you're talking about cutting a rug then I most certainly dance to my own rhythm. Although if you saw me, you may suggest perhaps even insist that I don't dance at all. It's probably sound advice but I would've hardly considered it until yesterday.

Mastering the moves of Beyonce and friends in the Single Ladies video would be challenging for a good dancer. But for this citizen of the rhythmless nation, it seems an impossibility. WTH was I thinking? Here's a video with nonstop, fast tempo dancing and very few repetitions. That coupled with the fact that I dance slightly better than Elaine from Seinfeld, isn't exactly a recipe for success. As my body was moving two beats behind and in the opposite direction of Bey, it occurred to me that taping myself may not be such a good idea. I mean, what if it got on youtube? Nothing good could possible come out of that. Then, something happened. For eight seemingly forever seconds, I was in sync and fearless. See, this is how the likes of William Hung are created. I managed to do eight seconds out of a 3:18 video and it's back on. And why not?

Thankfully, I'm not as delusional as Will so I won't be trying out for any dancing shows. I am going to still tape myself though for a number of reasons. 1) I'm going to look smoking hot in my black leotard. 2) I have great legs and can wear the mess out of some heels. 3) The mere thought of it brings me joy. I did it at least a dozen times laughing at myself frequently. Who cares what anyone else thinks? My rhythm won't always be on the beat. I will most certainly have days where my feet aren't the only thing out of sync but I will still dance. As for the video, I'm not crazy. I will only keep one copy of it under lock and key to be viewed only by close friends and family. No cell phones allowed. Put your hands up!

The List

You would be surprised what you learn about a person from a list.  It doesn't matter if it's a grocery list or a daily to do list.  Each can give you a glimpse into a person's habits, lifestyle, and priorities.  This is especially true when you make a pre-bucket list.  I call mine 40 B4 40.  It's not filled with a bunch of outlandish and overly ambitious things like climbing Mt. Everest.  It's pretty mundane which gives you a clue as to what kind of life I've been living for the past 38 years... bland.

I'm a pretty passionate person so what happened to the spice?  It kept getting eaten up by fear.  Travel?  No thank you.  The plane might crash.  Concert?  Nah, too many people.  Produce another movie?  I don't know.  The first one didn't do what I had hoped.  It seems so silly now, completely irrational but the fear was real.   The good news is I'm no longer afraid.  Now I'm just easily distracted.  A major hurdle as my list is full of things that require long term commitment.

This is where you guys come in.  I need your help on the things for which I must start preparation now.  They include:

1. Getting back to a size 8 which will require me losing 40 lbs.

2. Finishing my script so I can start producing my movie.

3. Planning family trips with the extended families.

4. Planning three trips with my friends and sister.

5. Learning to do Beyonce's Single Ladies Video 

6. Doing a walk/run for a cause

7. Getting debt free

8. Attending two concerts one being the Black Eyed Peas

9. Learning one song on the piano

10. Planning my 40^th birthday party

11. Starting a garden

12. Seeing the Northern Lights

13. Learning to cook

14. Finding a church

15. Taking my son to at least one major sporting event


It's a challenge just to get everything scheduled on my calendar.  A task I have yet to complete.  I can't wait to get all of your suggestions and comments.  In the meantime, I'll keep working.

The Semi-Secret

My intentions were to keep this blog a secret from my family primarily because of the female parental units.  My mother and mother-in-law are old school and have strict rules about airing dirty laundry.  Don't.  Since the contents of this blog could quite literally kill them, I've decided not to tell them.  Let's face it, it's not like I can really afford the distraction of planning and attending two funerals plus the inevitable guilt that will ensue.  That being said, my followers right now are nonexistent and I need some accountability.  Thus I've told three people.  Now it's not so much a secret but a semi-secret.  The only thing is they aren't the commenting type.  So it will still seem like I'm all alone out here in Bloggerville.  I won't fret though.  I have a list to complete... well... start really.  Let me get to it.

APB: Doers

There are many reasons people get distracted from their good intentions, their work or taking a bath even.  Mine?  My marriage is a mess.  Now I'm not looking for any advice or sympathy or anything on that front.  It is what it is.  I'm looking for the people who are able to get it done (whatever "it" is) even though the world seems to be falling apart around them. The doers of life if you will.

I would've counted myself among them but recently I can't seem to see past the tears.  I am blinded by loneliness and uncertainty.  It takes me all day to do something that should take an hour, a week to do something that should take a day.  I don't have that kind of time to waste.  In 82 weeks I will be 40 and I have compiled this list of things to do before then.  I was so excited two weeks ago when I created it but I barely look at the thing anymore.  That's unusual.  It normally takes two months minimum for me to start slacking off and lose focus.

The thing is, I really want to do this list.  It's a hellava lot more fun than dealing with the failure that is my marriage.  Plus, I have two kids who are the joy of my life.  I want to be a part of their joy not this mopey mom who's always tired.   So, this is my All Points Bulletin to all the doers out there who are willing to help motivate and hold me accountable.  If you truly are the company you keep, it's time I meet some new folks.

I have four free hours a day during the week and am tired of spending half of them crying.  I don't let the rain stop me from driving.  I put on my wipers and go.  I know I haven't cried my last tear but I've got plenty of tissue.  It's time to wipe and do.